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When Would I Stop Loving My Ex..

Oh my God! It's been so long, I don't even know what to say.. I won't even presume to think that anyone still opens this blog to read.. lol.

Happy new year Sunshine's Musings, it's been a long time. I was talking to Thelma yesterday and accusing her of not posting on her blog for a couple of days now and somehow the conversation turned to my own blog and I had to admit I hadn't even been trying for over a year now. I have to say tho that I didn't think it was going to be this hard...

Anywaiz, I wrote the post below 5 or so months ago and sent it to TTB anonymously but I think I'm at a place where I can share this now..

***




My first love got married this weekend and my heart is broken. I haven't felt this kind of pain since we went our separate ways 5 years ago, my chest hurts from the pain and I have no idea what to do.

This relationship was the best I ever had, I loved him with everything I had, it was my first real relationship yet he didn't exactly ask me to be his girlfriend, we just kinda talked and talked until we were so close it was more like a relationship. He became my best friend in the whole world, my confidant, adviser, mentor, etc. I still don't know why it ended but it did and he moved on with a girl who was his "friend" just 3 weeks later. That alone tore my heart to shreds and I was unable to do anything with myself for almost a month. I remember that time like it was yesterday, I just went thru the motions daily - wake up, do my chores, go to work, work till very late, come home, and sleep, everyday for almost one month. I lost weight, life lost its meaning and everything around me was just gloomy. I deleted his numbers from my phone, deleted our texts, unfollowed him on facebook but kept him on twitter.

For a very long time, we didn't communicate, I moved on with life and started building my career. I honestly thought I was over him but if I would finally admit and be true to myself, I have thought about him, EVERYDAY for the past 5 years. I can just walk by a place that reminds me of him, infact, I worked somewhere for 2 years where one of my colleagues looked exactly like him, (that colleague became my favourite person in that organisation), I would hear someone say something and it would remind me of a conversation we had or how he talks.

Every once in a while, he messages me on whatsapp to say hello, I'm usually cool and respond to all the questions with monosyllabic answers so as not to drag it out cos I sorta knew he was still unavailable. Some weeks ago tho, he messaged me again and I didn't respond in the usual way, I decided to have an actual conversation and we started chatting every night. We'd chat even at work and then after work till way past midnight then one of those days, he told me he was getting married to the same girl, the friend from that time, and I realized that although I had told myself something different, I was still holding out hope that we would get together again. I told him the next morning that I couldn't chat with him everyday anymore and that I had to move forward and stop looking back. He apologised and that was the end. That was two weeks ago.

I saw the wedding picture on facebook today and the pain in my heart right now confirms my fear all along, I haven't stopped loving this guy. Even though I have had other relationships since we parted ways 5 years ago, I have not come close to loving anyone as much as I loved him.

I currently have the best boyfriend in the entire world, he loves me and would do literally anything to make me happy but I don't love him as much as I know I can. We've been on and off for 2 years now and I know he loves me but I just can't, it's like something in me is broken and I can't fix it. Yet, I don't want to break up with him cos who would stay with me with all my craziness? Who would see all of me with my big flaws and many many short comings and still choose to stay with me. I don't want to be an old maid. My plan was to be married at 26, I'm 26 already but I'm not in love.

I need to stop loving this guy so I can move on with my life and love other people, I have tried everything, hating him, anger, the silent treatment, nothing has worked. And trust me, I hate women like myself who have a good man and yet are stuck on some ass hole somewhere who doesn't give a rat's ass about them but I can't seem to move forward.

I desperately want to love again. I want to see my boyfriend's call and be excited and smile from the bottom of my heart with genuine happiness. I want to love and be loved but I just can't bring myself to love anyone again with such reckless abandon. I don't know if it's fear or I've just exhausted all the love I have in me to give anyone. These days, my work consumes me, I work everyday of the week whether I have to or not just so I can fill this emptiness inside. I don't want to sit at home on weekends and just mope, I don't have any friends either.

The funny thing is, I always thought only people in sexual relationships were stuck on their exes like me but this guy and I only kissed once and that once doesn't even qualify cos it was really awkward and I was nervous as hell the whole time.

Guys, I honestly need help. Will I love this guy forever? Or will I get over him one day, it's been 5 years and I'm still heart broken. Will I ever love someone as much as I loved this guy? Or have I just not found the right guy to love?

***

So it's been 5 months, I've had time to process the advise the blog readers gave me on the post. I've come to accept that what's done is done, the past is in the past and no matter how much we want to, we can't get it back. I'm trying to move on from him and stop thinking about another woman's husband (which I have succeeded at to a large extent). I broke up with my fabulous boyfriend cos I couldn't in good conscience stay with him when my whole heart wasn't in it. I'm regretting it now but I know he deserved better than what I could offer at the time so.. we're still cool tho so I guess that's a good thing..
I'm still single and thats another headache all on it's own (story for another day) but I've gotten to the acceptance stage of this process and it's comforting.

I hope the rest of April 2017 is good to us all.

Toodles!

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